December 6, 2022
ATLANTA (The Borowitz Report)—Sounding an alarm on the day that Georgians head to the polls, the Republican Senate candidate Herschel Walker claimed that the runoff election was rigged against the person with fewer votes.
“I cast my vote and I saw all of these election-type people in there behind these tables,” Walker told reporters. “They’re going to count up all the votes and, shazam, whoever got more votes is the winner. How is that fair?”
Walker said that he might not have run for the Senate had he known that the person with fewer votes would be declared the loser. “This whole process has opened a lot of eyes for me,” he said. “It’s like something out of communist Russia.”
He added that the election system was inherently broken because millions of people vote, and “no one can count that high.”
“I can barely count to ten on a good day,” he said, before aides hustled him away from the microphone and into a car